Despots, are you tired of untidy ethnic minorities using up resources that properly belong to the master race?
Do you have longstanding grudges against near neighbours?
Or maybe you just want to engage in a bit of mass murder for fun and profit.
But let’s face it, that’s getting tougher in today’s world.
In the good old days, it was easy to do what you liked. But nowadays, you know what might happen if you send your soldiers on a murder-rape-and-pillage rampage.
You might… attract an expression of serious concern from the Secretary-General of the UN!
Hey, try not to shake with fear too much.
Joking apart, it is getting tougher to do the things tyrants just like to do. (Hey, we’ve all got our hobbies. Whatever turns you on, like they say.) You can’t tell if you’ll get a Tomahawk cruise missile through your window, and we all know how hard it can be to get the imported gold-embroidered carpets clean after that.
Well, help is at hand. With the Approved Method™, you can do whatever you like and guarantee nothing worse than non-provocative diplomatic engagement aimed at convening a regional conference with the goal of hammering out a programme of actions to alleviate the problems.
Let’s hear a couple of testimonials for the Approved Method™:
- General Killandrobbo, Indonesia: ‘We could easily have got into trouble about East Timor. But with the Approved Method™, we were able to butcher thousands of civilians and didn’t even get a single war-crimes lawyer come near us.’
- Ethniki Klenserov, Serbia: ‘Back in Bosnia it took three years for anyone to do anything about me and the boys, and by that time we were back running nightclubs in Belgrade. Thanks to the Approved Method™.’
- Prince al-Qaeda, Saudi Arabia: ‘Bad old uncle Abdullah wouldn’t let me join the glorious jihad against the crusaders. So I took advantage of the Approved Method™ and now I get my kicks knowing that the swords our warriors are using were bought with my contributions.’
But what is the Approved Method™, you ask. And how can it help me in my heroic struggle against the enemies of the state?
It’s simple. Most countries use their armed forces to fight terrorists. But your problem isn’t with terrorists, it’s with an entire people. You can’t use the army – that’s what the Nazis did, and look what happened to them. You don’t want that to happen to you and your clan, do you?
So what to do?
You set up a pro-government militia, of course. Or establish a militant group with links to your regime. Whatever you want to call it, the result is the same: plausible deniability. All your mates at the UN and in the Western media will be able to make excuses for you and say how complicated it all is. Your information minister will be able to go on CNN and say, hand on heart, that the government is trying to stabilise the situation, and that outside involvement is not wanted or needed. Indeed, it might even provoke a wider conflict.
Let’s hear some more satisfied customers:
- Mullah Killrushdie, Iran: ‘The trouble with those damned Jews is that they’re so hard to get at. I mean, they’re all over the place and a long way away. Fortunately, the Approved Method™ allows us to kill them occasionally using Hezbollah and the BBC doesn’t dare to blame us directly.’
- Captain Interahamwe, Rwanda: ‘The Approved Method™ really worked for me! And without having to spend too much on bullets, either.’
- General al-Genocide, Sudan: ‘I’ve been in this business for decades, and I can honestly say that the Approved Method™ is the best.’
So what’s stopping you?
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